always be honest, except for when you lie

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

once again the maid has let us down, way way down

Geez, you know, I think I'm gonna have to fire her. I mean, look at this place. Look. It's a mess. Really. Right beside me here on the floor there are two books, a cookie, a princess and, what's this, my underwear? How'd that get in here?

I don't remember putting it there.

It's quite unacceptable to pay this woman, imaginary or not, what we do when she does not even do one tenth the amount of work she is meant to do.

But Missus, the children, they make such a mess.

Whine Whine Whine. Like I don't know my kids make a mess. Please. I'm the one who broke my big toe on the Hot Wheels Slimecano this morning when all I was trying to do was open the living room blinds. You don't have to tell me. I know. In fact, it's kinda why I hired you, whether in my mind or not.

Kids aren't tidy by nature.

There are two plates with eggs on the counter, a towel on the living room floor, kleenex stuck to the dog and something brown smeared on the couch. No, I'm not going to smell it. The maid can smell it. That's her job, not mine. But she'd better do it fast because I'm not sure she'll be employed here much longer.

What am I saying? What on earth am I saying. Oh Lord. We'd be lost without her. Granted she is only pretend and doesn't actually do anything but without her I'd lose all hope. I'd feel like I have to do everything including smell the couch and heaven help me I just can't do it. It's probably chocolate but it might not be.

It Might Not Be.

Let me keep my pretend maid, won't you? She's really quite nice and she means to do more. She had a bad back for a while, then her cat died. I mean, her cat died. What was I supposed to do, make her clean toilets with a dead cat on her heart? I'm not evil, for shit sake. I'm not.

Look, I can help her out for a while. Til she's feeling better. Then, over time, she can do more. Alright, she's not likely to ever really be very good but she's a part of the family and we like having her around. She can stay.

You can stay, Imaginary Maid.

Please stay.

Oh thank god. That's a relief.