always be honest, except for when you lie

Sunday, January 09, 2005

honestyrain's 5 tips to help you lose those holiday pounds

Look, these tips are real. Look, they work. Look, try them, you never know. Look, holiday pounds are a myth anyway so whatever.

ONE. Make (or buy if you are a lazy turd) your favorite kind of cookie. Wait! Don't eat them! Watch everyone you live with eat them. Drool if you like but do not under any circumstances consume a cookie yourself. This tip works on two levels. Level A) you're not eating the cookie so duh you're not gaining weight from the cookie but more importantly B) the wanting of the cookie ACTUALLY BURNS FAT right there as you sit and watch others enjoy them.

TWO. Eat food off of other people's plates. If you didn't know, food eaten off of someone else's plate is not real. Like, if your wife is eating french fries smothered in gravy but you, fat bastard that you are, have declined on this occassion you are welcome to enjoy up to ten, yes ten, of her fries without consequence. I know, what a fanbloodytastic loophole! I know.

THREE. Exercise. What, you thought you could watch your wife eat cookies and share a few of her fries and that's it POOF! you're down two dress sizes. Come on. Wake up.

FOUR. Tell other people to eat the things you wish you could eat. Be covert about this one. If people know you're not actually eating any of the offending item they may take issue. You say to your best friend, Shirley who hates when you call her Girly Shirley but you do it anyway, hey, try one of these Valentine's Day chocolates here, Girly Shirley.

Don't call me that, she says.

Okay, you say. Here eat this.

Okay, she says, over the Girly Shirley thing at record speed.

This tip works on two levels. A) you're helping to fatten your friend up which can only serve to make you look better. B) it really is almost satisying to enjoy food vicariously through the people you like and respect most in the world. You will find your appetite nearly satisfied or you will be so repulsed by the way in which Girly Shirley just gobbled the entire damned box of chocolates that you'll swear off food forever. I mean, didn't anyone ever teach her any manners or what? God.

FIVE. Drink water. Seriously. Not to be preachy or anything but holy crap man, put down the Pepsi. Coke. Whatever. Drink water. It's real real good for you and most people find they poop better when they drink a lot of water. Pooping better can lower your belt size by like half, so, get on it.

That's it. The five tips to help you lose those holiday pounds. They work. If they don't work you're doing them wrong so shut up. I can't follow the tips for you. I'm only here to tell you what to do then you go do it. That's all.