always be honest, except for when you lie

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

the undergarment obsession

I buy my panties at the grocery superstore for 98 cents a pair. Right off I know you're thinking, Oh Sexy and you're right, it's not. But I have really good reasons and if you bear with me as I work through this issue right here before your very eyes I think my reasons will make perfect sense to each and every one of you.

Or not.

First, I think panties are evil if somewhat necessary and I wear them with the same level of enthusiasm as bras. When I was a lot younger I would go without both. I won't bore you with the details of eventually coming around to reluctant accpetance of their use if not comfort as I don't want to offend the delicate among my readership. But suffice it to say that I now wear both every day and am obsessed with finding the perfect pair of panties. And when I discover this gem I promise you I will buy stock, amass a neverending supply and scream it from the rooftops so that all women can know the freedom I have unearthed.

But it'll never happen so don't bother waiting for word.

Because here's the thing: a woman's body changes from minute to minute on the basis of the slightest shift in fluid, how much she's eaten, how long she slept last night, how many poops she's had this week (not that women poop, but you know) and whether she's spending most of her time sitting on her money maker more than she spends shaking it. For panties to fit ust nicely all of these things must be working in absolute symmetry and absolute symmetry, if you know science, is unlikely. There's a mathematical forumla you can apply to understand this correlation more fully. I can email it to you if you want....

This inequity of these factors bring us to the 98 cent undies from the grocery superstore. My theory is this - an it's a good one - if you've only spent 98 cents on a pair of panties it makes no difference if you ever wear them and if, by some stroke of increbile luck you can get a good stretch out of them all the pwer to you because by god, sister, a good man may be hard to find but looking for the perfect man doesn't compare to that of The Great Pantie Search.

I've paid ten bucks for one pair of panties (what exactly makes them a 'pair' by the way?) and they fit no better than my cheapies from the grocery superstore so I ask you this - why buy expensive pretty panties I'll never wear? They might look nicer on the old backside but the old backside gets kinda grumpy when strangled so the logic just isn't there for me.

I haven't given up hope though and continue to investigate pretty panties from time to time and even buy some and wear them. And on those perfect symmetry days that all works out great but there at the front of my underwear drawer sits a stack of 98 cent cotton britches that feel like I'm wearing air and air, friends, feels good. And if you'll excuse my saying so, they don't look that bad either. It's not what you put on the bottom but the bottom itself that counts.