always be honest, except for when you lie

Thursday, December 30, 2004

excuse me sir, where did you go to medical school anyway

I'm mildly concerned that my doctor may be a quack.

I went to him last month after not seeing him for probably two years. In the past I've felt that maybe he was less than brilliant but my concerns have been of a not so serious nature. You know, I stepped on a nail can I get a tetanus shot kind of stuff. Doesn't take a genius.

This last visit however made me pause, reflect and consider moving on.

Me: Hi Doctor Man. Nice to see you.

Doctor Man: Ya, what?

Me: I've been getting really bad headaches.

Doctor Man: Mmmmmmm.

Me: They're really bad. Migraines. Almost every day. For, like, two years.

Doctor Man: Oh, ya, take one tylenol one advil, you know, make migraine go poof! away.

Me: I've been doing that. It's not helping. I think it's my neck. It feels like my neck is really messed up.

Doctor Man: Mmmmmm.

Me: It's bad.

Doctor Man: You do pilates? You should do pilates, get all better.

Me: I do pilates. And yoga.

Doctor Man: Yoga! Yes, very good!

Me: But it's not helping.

Doctor Man: Mmmm.

Me: I feel rotten a lot of the time.

(this is where the good part comes)

Doctor Man: Do you have insurance for physio? No? Here's what you do. You go to hospital. Where do you live? Go to St George Hospital and wait outside physio department. When a physiotherapist comes out ask them to help you. Tell them what is wrong. They'll help you. You bet.

Me: I can't see, the headaches are so bad. In fact, my left eye fell out last week. The headaches are that bad. It just jumped out to get away from the pain.

Doctor Man: Yep, physio, that's what you need.

Me: I'm going now. You're crazy.

Does any of that seem out of the ordinary to you? He did not so much as glance in the general direction of my neck and certainly laid not one finger on my body by way of assessing my current state of well being. In fact, I think he was reading War and Peace and eating lunch while we talked. Now that I think about it.

Not so much interested in helping me with my headaches, this guy but sign me up for a physical on my way out oh boy. He is all about the physical. He gets paid more for the physical. I wonder what he would do if he ever found anything wrong during someone's physical. Send them to 7/11 for a Slurpee and a bag of Doritos?

Great now I want a Slurpee and Doritos.

So I'm looking for a new doctor. If you know someone good let me know. Really, someone of only average ability would be a vast improvement. I'm looking for someone who actually has a medical degree at this point.