always be honest, except for when you lie

Friday, December 03, 2004

santa has boobs mom! santa has boobs!

Today my son and his preschool class enjoyed breakfast with Santa at a local department store. They were served two pretty big pancakes, one slice of bacon and peach juice loaded with sugar. I trashed the bacon on my kid's plate because we're vegetarian and then let him have at it. He began, of course, by buttering the cakes, then cutting them, then attempting to shove several huge pieces in his mouth at once. Three year olds, although eager, are not so great with a knife. I asked if he wanted me to help. He said no. Naturally. But I had to ask so I wouldn't look like a neglectful jerk in front of the other moms. You know how it is.

After breakfast the teachers asked that the kids, some of whom were away from their chairs yanking one another around by the scruff of the neck or playing hide and seek or talking about DINOSAURS or MY dad could beat up your dad hey NO WAY he can because my dad is way STRONGER than your dad anyway!, return to their seats. Shortly thereafter we heard the telltale jingling of bells as Santa approached with his entourage. When I say entourage I mean one dumpy middle aged woman wearing an ill fitting pink sweater and gold rimmed glasses. I assume she was holding Santa's cell phone and the keys to the sleigh.

I didn't see Rudolph. I was in the can when he apparantly came in to tell Santa the guys were getting sick of waiting out in the rain. Since when does it rain in December anyway. I'm just sorry I missed my chance to see the red-nosed superstar. I almost saw him when I was ten. He was at my school and just before I was supposed to go in to get his autograph and have a picture taken with him for ten bucks (money grubbing reindeer), Mrs. Beecham pulled me out of line to go clean chalkboard erasers. That's what talking during Spelling will get you.

The other day during Drop Off at my son's school I heard that a few years back and before my son started going there a woman played Santa for the Breakfast With Santa breakfast thingy. The other moms and I laughed and laughed at this, wondering how such a silly scene could ever come to pass. Had the Man intended to play Santa died just before he was to go on? Was the Santa suit a size zero and only Heather Locklear or a seven year old boy could fit in? Who knew!

Imagine our surprise this very morning when we discovered that THIS Santa, OUR Santa was in fact a woman. Not no Heather Locklear Woman but a saggy boobed, sits with her knees together, smells like your gramma WOMAN.

What the!

I can see this happening once. Maybe twice but not even twice and frankly not even once. There's ALWAYS a man around SOMEWHERE. Always. Christ sake even when we girls TRY to get away from the men there's always a straggler. What about the old guy at the park who's always offering the kids candy? Wasn't he available? I mean, he just SITS there all day.

But no. Just a woman and her boobs sitting there hearing that MY BOY wants a Hot Wheels Volcano What Gots Lava Coming Out Of It and a Buzz Lightyear Big (holds out hands to demonstrate size) Rocket Gots Shooters and Needs Batteries and Has Green Buzz Lightyear In It. Click Click goes the camera as mommy captures the event for all eternity.

I don't think any of the kids noticed. This time. Last time they did. I'm glad MY kid didn't because if he had you KNOW he would have sat there calling out to me in his loudest mommy is across the room voice. Mommy! Santa Has Boobs!!!


I would have been forced to agree that yes, Santa does have boobs. Sometimes Santa has to have helpers because he is so busy and sometimes the old creepy guy at the park is too busy being creepy to come be your Santa Claus. Isn't that selfish of him? Couldn't he make that one little sacrifice for The Children?

I guess not.

Either way, we got through breakfast alive which was the only real goal for the day. No one ended up bleeding from the nose at having been punched for some heinous three year old infraction like She Took My Candy Cane or somesuch. As a mom I was thrilled to get away without having had to utter the words Take That Piece of Candy Out Of Your Mouth And Put It Back On The Floor What Are You Thinking! So it was a good day. A great day. Happy Christmas Santa With Boobs!

Before anyone gets too excited there isn't a creppy old guy giving out candy at the park. I was only kidding. It was a joke. Don't worry. The creepy old guy giving out candy actually lives right next door to me. Way more convenient.